Complexities

My brain sometimes disconnects and I can't remember what the other part does. And suddenly there's a mess or I've eaten too much or I haven't eaten anything and I'm shouting at myself for doing the wrong thing but there's no sound and I'm just sat alone in the room.

What if I was mad but nobody noticed?

Imaginary friends?

When my thoughts are still I keep going back home to a field where I spent a lot of time. It was a special corner, just by the wall behind a gorse bush. And its always sunny. I think of it a lot, I don't know why. Maybe I left a friend there, a contact from the spirit world. There are no spirits here, just real live people, I miss the spirits. I think the wind is too strong for the spirits here. Or maybe you meet them as a child and they stay with you for as long as you stay near them. But if you move to a new place, the spirits don't know you and don't come near. When I visit home for a while, I feel energised and ready for the world. Maybe my childhood spirits pass on some of their energy to me and give me a lift. My nephew has lots of imaginary friends. They all have names and jobs to do. Now that my sister has moved house, it'll be interesting to see if his friends come too.

Stormy stormy night

Stormy, stormy, electricity off, windy, wet, darkness a recipe for excitement or disaster. My friend woke up yesterday with a child's garden trampoline draped across his front door. That's windy for you.

The Hooded Man

I had a dream once, the most important one of my life, I believe. I was looking out of my childhood home window down the hill and I saw a tree. In real life it was in the wrong place, but in my dream it was the right place. Standing beside the tree was a hooded man who should have been scarey but wasn't. I felt that I'd always known him and that he always had stood next to the tree. Then he turned around and walked away and I tried to shout "Come back! Come back!" but I couldn't speak. I was very distressed and unhappy that the hooded man had walked away but I couldn't stop him. I woke myself up trying to shout out "Come back! Come back!" I woke my boyfriend lying next to me in my new home, living my new life.

Small town

The other day I was leaning out of my ground floor bedroom window to wash it for the first time in about 6 months - I'm not a great hoose wifery type. And here's why...a little old lady whom I have never met before walked by, stopped and came back and said "oo its a grand thing you're doing there, washing yer windows, and isn't it a nice day?" "Yes" I said "it's a lovely day - the windows get a lot o stoor from the cars on the road" And off she went. This is why I hate washing the windows. If your outside standing on a chair, you get toots from the cars, if your leaning oot the window, its an invitation for a chat with a complete stranger.

Clearing out

I've been moving rooms swapping bedrooms for weeks now. I keep getting distracted with my books. They are all a peace in my puzzle, a glimpse of my past, my babies. I don't like stuffing them in crates and hiding them away. I've inherited a lot too, so some are bits of my granny's past too. And I've found that she hid little notes in between the pages - christian phrases, pieces of calendars for important dates and pressed flowers. In every book I find another little token that she's left behind.