Me in my small corner

I'm really struggling this week with the life thing or the hormone thing - not sure which. I feel like I've got myself stuck in a corner, like a robot toy and I can't turn round and go the other way. Each way I go is just not enough to get me out, like doing a million point turn. Usually I'm optimistic I'll get out, but this week I'm not so sure. 

And then there's the NICE thing. Being nice. At work I have to be nice to everyone, even the people who are not nice to me, or a bit rude or downright horrible. Then the flip side, I'm nice to person I'm in love with because I haven't told him I'm in love with him, because he doesn't think of me that way and I don't want to lose his friendship. So there I am - can you see me? I'm down there STUCK in the corner - BEING NICE....

Scammed for life?

I think I may have been scammed today. I'm not sure, but it makes me nervous anyway.

Bearly Getting By

I'd like to befriend a man who can do impressions of Yogi Bear and Booboo, so that I can request it lots and lots.

Restless

I've got to the point where I can't tidy cos there's nowhere to put things. So that calls for one thing...da da daaa...moving furniture. I haven't done it for a while and my idea is huge and it might not work, but I'm feeling energized, so I'm gonna do it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

Ok not tomorrow, as coursework to do. One last task for Monday, one more report for next Monday, then two assignments for the end of the month. That gives me a week to do each one. I think I know where that energy has come from now.

Watch out for the dark?

Today my stars say that I'm might be getting lost in the dark again. But as long as I know where the light switch is, then I'll be fine. It's a lovely saying, but I actually quite like the dark and I don't mind getting lost. Sometimes I feel that the darkness is comforting because at night the roads are quiet and I feel calm and when I'm out in it, it wraps itself around me. I get the same feeling when it snows and sometimes that can be all day. There's a poem in there somewhere and I'm getting closer to finding it. It's right behind my eyes, hiding...

Wings of love and loneliness

I love films. They are like a meditation of escape from time. My favourite film of all is Wings of Desire. It creates a wonderful soft atmosphere where the angels are, the quiet whisperings of the people's thoughts and the sweet undulating flow of the language itself. The big comfy overcoats that they all wear, the smiles and companionship. And its about love and loneliness and how they mingle and merge and make people (and angels) do extraordinary things.

The first time I saw it was in the cinema in Edinburgh with my German college class in 1987 and I spent months trying to see it again, and years trying to find a video copy of it - no internet then. I have the DVD now and watch it whenever I like. Mostly late at night after a big night out on the town. When I feel warm and cosy in my own house, a home to escape from the world.

Solstice blues

This time of year, I close the curtains for privacy. It's not dark. The solstice is upon us. It has more meaning here, it affects everyone and everyone is talking about it. In a few days we'll be sad that it's getting darker. "County Show then its winter" is the depressing quotation on everyone's lips. County Show is only in early August, still the middle of summer for most people south - but not here. Here we are all light sensitive - basking in the glow of the sun today for tomorrow it dies...

It's stupid o'clock again...

Struggling through coursework and very light nights/mornings at the moment finding myself awake at stupid o'clock most days. Sleep still does not rest me. Too busy in dreams, fighting through something, battling with monsters, those evil things that are emotions. I'm full of them in sleep, but can't express them in daytime. Although other people do not make things easy.

Day off tomorrow, but not from life. Imagine not existing for one day...would it be relaxing? Or all stressful like Jimmy Stewart...

A melancholy day today, not as practical as it should have been. Spent too much time thinking. Not good. Can't handle too much thinking. Thinking breeds procrastination and not doing. Thinking gives me less confidence in my own words and ideas. Thinking of what others think of me is the bane of my life. Time to close the curtains.

Just heard that true man is not coming back for several months instead of next month. Boo. This makes me sad as he was my next thing to look forward to and diminishes my post holiday glee. I recently sent him a poem that expressed feelings, but got no reply. I feel I may have stumbled. Again. Will I never learn to be patient? I'm trying hard to resist the spiral of sadness and the urge to dig a deeper hole.

Darkness

There is a poem about darkness which is trying to work its way out of my head.

Friday the 13th

Its Friday the 13th. A superstitious day? Well I accidently smashed my favourite mug. I've had it for so long it seemed quite a momentous thing. I was ridiculously upset.

But then a lot of things have been happening personally to me recently that might have contributed to that. A relative of mine is pregnant which should be wonderful but I've learnt that I can no longer have children of my own, so I have mixed feelings. And my mum said there is a spooky slant to new births in our family. Everytime a family member has become pregnant, another family member dies. Sure enough not long after we found out about this one than we heard of a cousin dying too.